So yesterday my first pregnancy would have been 2.  It’s still hard, it really doesn’t get easier, even with the constant reminder in my tummy of the little one growing so strong (and punching my lady regions constantly!).  A lot of people say “yeah but look at what you’ve got coming soon” but it still doesn’t make it any easier.  There’s still the pain of nearly 3 years of trying, of countless tests, of crying myself to sleep some nights.  It’s still there and always will be.  You only have to talk to any woman (and indeed their partners) who has suffered a miscarriage and dates are engrained in your memory for an eternity.

In 9 weeks we will meet our little one and see what they look like, what their personality is like, who they take after.  But a small part of me will always think about the other 3 angels we have.  Would they have been different?  What gender would they be?  How would our lives be different now?  Would this pregnancy be a younger sibling for them?

The hurt and pain will never go away!

I’ve surprised myself with this pregnancy.  Yes I suffered a lot with anxiety in the first few months but since this little one has become a little wriggler, the anxiety I feel is lessening.  I do have the occasional “oh my god, I’ve felt no movement today” but then as soon as I relax and eat, it’s playtime again!

They do say that knowledge is power and I certainly feel that I’ve been more in control with this pregnancy.  I’ve done my research and planned where I can.  Of course I’m aware to expect the unexpected too.  But then I do often wonder if sometimes you know too much.  I read all the stories on Tommy’s but, as well as miscarriages, they also talk about stillbirths.  Yes it’s rare and yes I’m being monitored by the best doctors, but when you’ve had nothing but bad luck, you expect nothing but bad luck.

Thankfully, negative thoughts are a rarity.  I do occasionally think “so why should this pregnancy be any different?”, then I get kicked and am reminded of the precious life growing in me!  Early in my pregnancy I lived by the mantra

Today I am pregnant and I’m going to enjoy it

It got me through the tough times and helped me to enjoy pregnancy a little more than I expected to.  Yes I’ve felt like crap at times and yes I’ve cried through exhaustion but all is well and I keep willing this little one to sap all my energy, kick me at 3am so I can’t sleep and just keep growing.

Anxiety is trying to creep in a bit more as we near our due date.  There’s so much to do to get ready for baby and not enough weekends left.  We have 9 weeks until we meet our little one and a lot of work to do in getting the nursery together and generally preparing ourselves.  I’ve booked hypnobirthing and antenatal classes to help me prepare – at the moment I’ve not really looked at anything else as, in my head, there’s still time.  But there isn’t!  ARGH!  I arrived 3 weeks early, so we could potentially be saying Hi to our nipper in 6 weeks!  Keeping so busy with baby prep keeps the worries about pregnancy complications at bay…..most of the time. 

We put our Christmas tree up at weekend – I’d not wanted to bother as it was something else to sap our time from finishing off the baby related stuff.  I’m glad we did though as it’s a little mini goal – once Christmas is over, we’re on the 6 week countdown to the arrival.  We have 3 special baubles on the tree this year.  Our little one has their first bauble and we have 2 for our angel babies.  My mum got us the one above from my uber talented cousin.  It’s our 3 angels on a cloud!  They are looking down on our precious cargo and keeping them safe for the next 9 weeks.

For everything we’ve been through, for each storm (sometimes horrendous) we have endured, we can’t help but feel excited for the arrival of our little rainbow. My one wish for everyone going through this is that they get their rainbows very soon 🌈

8 thoughts on “Engrained

  1. Sandra chantrey says:

    Absolutely lovely words. You always feel helpless when your girly is going trough so much pain and anxiety. If only I could wave a wand and make it all better xx

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Margaret says:

    I hear you Kerry, its been 30 years since I lost my three little ones and I still remember the anguish. You will probably always be anxious now but as baby grows and becomes more independent whatever age that migbt be you will relax just a little and then when an adult with children of their own you have to let them be their own people. They will always be yours just in a different way. So enjoy the nurturing and have fun, love Margaret X

    Liked by 2 people

  3. askagimp says:

    I am so sorry for your losses. Being pregnant is great, but it’s very scary too. This is especially true when you have had a loss and are very aware that not every pregnancy turns out okay. With my first, I never thought about anything going wrong. With this being a high risk pregnancy, it has me terrified of what could happen. I try to find comfort in prayer and I would like to pray for you too if it wouldn’t offend you. Congratulations and I hope that you enjoy being a mom as much as I have.


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