This week is Baby Loss Awareness Week. I follow lots of pages on Facebook relating to infertility and baby loss so there’s many stories of people’s sorrow….miscarriages, stillbirths, all babies taken too soon. Seeing the posts makes me reflect on our journey. A journey that started over 4 years ago now.
Each time I fell pregnant it was a struggle. It took months. I wasn’t one of those lucky people to get pregnant straight away. The first 3 pregnancies were taken from us far too soon. I’d spent 9 months pregnant and had nothing to show for it.
I still think about those babies. What would they look like, what would their personalities be like? Boys or girls? I can’t ever forget these babies, they will always be a part of our family, of our journey.
Of course I’m eternally grateful for our little miracle (despite her desperate attempts to make sure we never sleep). I still feel cheated though. I feel like Libby should be the little sister, to have a big brother or sister to look up to. I know we’re extremely fortunate but I still think of “what if?”.
Although we went through hell to get our princess, I think it makes us appreciate her just a little bit more. When she’s upset and only wants mummy, she gets a longer cuddle. There’s times when I lose my mind because I don’t know why she’s crying but one thing I have found is that having been through our journey, it makes me just that little bit more patient with her. I’d like to think I’m a relaxed mum (most of the time) as I try to drink in every minute of this gift we have. I still sniff her hair and let her snooze on me when she wants too. I still have days where I can’t believe she’s ours. How did we get so lucky.
One thing that does stop me resenting what we’ve been through is trying to find reasons why I’m glad Libby arrived when she did. Now I’m not saying I’m glad we went through the miscarriages, but trying to focus on the positives. I’ve met some wonderful mummy friends in our village with babies the same age as Libby – I wouldn’t have met them otherwise. Our journey took longer than expected, meaning I was able to save more money to spend a full year with Libby. We were also able to move house to our perfect family home. Focusing on the positives means I’m not forever consumed by the grief.
I wish we’d never been through the torturous time we went through but it’s shaped our future and gave us our little rainbow. 🌈 we’ve been so lucky and I hope our story of positivity can help others going through similar. I used to read stories of hope and pray that one day that would be us.
And it is. And for people reading going through their turbulent journey, hopefully one day it will be you.