It’s been a while since I’ve blogged. No other reason than pregnancy is dull, work is busy and life is chaotic! I don’t get the chance to gather my thoughts some days….but now I’m on maternity leave I promised myself I’d try and formulate my thoughts.

I was prompted today by a time hop on Facebook. A year ago we drove to Coventry to see the consultant to see if my uterine cells were causing the miscarriages. It was an 8 hour round trip and mentally it set me back months. The goalposts changed and they wanted to test me twice….going through the pain twice wasn’t part of the plan. However it was at that appointment they suggested progesterone. Initially from day 21 of my cycle until testing. It didn’t work for me that way and seemed to stop me ovulating. However, when I did get a positive test, I started on them and the result is a 38 week pregnancy and a wee one wriggling about after having breakfast.

Mentally my goal with this pregnancy was to get past 30 weeks. Pregnancies are viable from then and survival rate is good. Any additional weeks were a bonus and blessing.

For me, one of the big milestones was decorating the nursery. It was such an emotional weekend when it all came together. I’ve dealt well with the emotional side of pregnancy, given I can cry on tap most of the time, but this particular milestone broke me.  It all felt real and we were preparing for Cookie’s arrival now. It was imminent.  We’d hit a major milestone and our spare room was now ready, we were now ready!

My wonderful friends also arranged a surprise baby shower for me.  Now I’m not into baby showers….they’re a little bit twee and I hate being the centre of attention.  They were also hard to attend when we were going through the losses. All the baby talk when some days you didn’t want to even get out of bed….! This was perfect though, it was rude, inapproapriate and it was so lovely to all just sit around gabbing to friends and family – all laughing and joking.  These ladies have been through it all with us, it was so lovely to celebrate the end point (the hubby even laid on bottles of prosecco for everyone – brownie points in the bag there Mr B).


I clearly wasn’t very good at this game….mine didn’t even get close!!

Finishing work for maternity leave was also an emotional time. I’d had such lovely words and gifts from colleagues and we’d all been through a tough year. We’re one big, daft family. Some might laugh but I walked out that last day with tears in my eyes…not just because I felt I was leaving my family to fend for themselves, but I’d hit another milestone I never thought I’d get to.

So I’m 2 days into maternity leave. I’m under orders to rest but those who know me well know that rest isn’t a word I like….I’ve a list to work through (I do like a good list). During my “down time” I’m going to be practicing my Hypnobirthing techniques and other little bits I need to do to prep for the birth (who knew that perineal massage was such a thing… feels so bloody inappropriate but needs must).

Whilst most first time mums seem to be terrified of birth and the impending labour, I’m so excited for it to start. For me it’s the start of the journey to meet our little one and I’m willing it to happen soon. Hypnobirthing has also helped with this. You’re taught about the natural mechanisms of birth and how to deal with what is happening. I have the tools in my belt ready for this. Scott is a wonderful birth partner and I’m convinced it’s going to be awesome.

One thing I have found is that women who have given birth are keen to share their horror stories and regale stories of tearing, forceps, long labours and emergencies all too easy. Where’s the sisterhood ladies? Go tell your pregnant friends that birth is magical….it might not be but surely the prize at the end is….let them focus on that and not the fear.

Throughout the pregnancy, as I’ve progressed through the various milestones, my anxiety has lessened. It’s in part to do with both Reiki and hypnobirthing. But I also feel I’ve become stronger and more resilient. However, getting this close to the end I do wonder off into the odd anxiety fuelled thought. I worry about stillbirth. Due to my job I’m heavily involved with consultants who look after women who are pregnant after late losses – unfortunately it happens and I’m exposed to it. Sometimes knowledge is power but there’s times when you wish for ignorance and not to be hyper aware of what can go wrong. Saying that though, I’m being cared for by a wonderful colleague who scans me every 2 weeks at the moment – that reassurance is just what I need. As a “Thank You” I’m donating my placenta to their research programme (yep, I’m such a generous soul haha). I’m also donating baby’s cord blood to Anthony Nolan – why not help others!

One of my best friends posted this from her time hop today. 12 months ago we were broken, she posted this and it felt like we’d never get where we wanted to. With a little help, a lot of love and prayers and awesome doctors, we’re nearly there…..


8 thoughts on “Milestones

  1. karen Tordoff says:

    Labour is painful, delivery is excruciating but wear every contraction like a badge of honour. Each one makes you stronger and more determined than the last. Savour each moment like its a gift because it truly is and you really will forget how it feels. The minute that baby is in your arms you’ll be glad you don’t like being the center of attention because from that moment on…. You aren’t…. You now have a true, honest to goodness center of attention… And he/she won’t hesitate in letting you know it. You will relish every second of it.
    I had two wonderful, gloriously easy labours and deliveries (like shelling peas) its the 31/29 years after that caused me grief. First boo boo i cried, first steps I cried, first day of school I was inconsolable, first boyfriend/girlfriend I became an ogre, first broken hearts I became potential murderer, wedding days I cried for the injustice of my babies desertion. Then suddenly I’m back full circle. I went through two more labours and deliveries with my own child, I wept tears of pain, hurt frustration that this was one boo boo I couldn’t make better. Now I’m sitting back laughing watching my gorgeous little cherubs (mummy’s little monsters) put their parents through all the same crap that I got… And pay backs a bitch 😂.
    When you have you baby don’t blink because you’ll miss it and you’ll wake up one day and you’ll be staring into the tiny face of your grandchild….
    Good luck and much love gorgeous girl. You will make one amazing mummy. Xxx


  2. Margaret says:

    Big hugs for you and ALL your family including and when bubs arrives. Have the best day of birth, hope you can smile and joke right through it and if not take anything they throw at ya. No shame in numbing the pain X Margaret X

    Liked by 1 person

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