P.M.A

Not to be confused with PMS (which of course I suffer from a lot), this Christmas is all about PMA – Positive Mental Attitude.  A strong, beautiful woman in my life who has gone through her own very difficult struggles this last 12 months is a shining beacon of positivity and my bi-monthly visits to her feel more like a therapy session – I have a lot to thank her for.  She’s helped me understand why bad things happen, she’s helped me view things differently but most of all she’s made me think of the positives and focus on them (and yes, I promise I’ll book in for my Reiki).  I now no longer talk about the “if” we have a baby, I talk about the “when”.  We refer to the spare room in our new home as “the baby room” (well it is the smallest in the house) and we focus on where we hope to be eventually, one way or another.

On starting our journey, I couldn’t think about any other way of having a baby than naturally – good old fashioned baby dancing!  Now, however, I’m open to all options to make our family complete.  There’s no “one size fits all” when it comes to having a family, close friends have shown me that.  Being able to think about other options does help.  It’s empowering to take control of the situation and have your Plan B (be that egg donor, fertility treatment or even adoption), just in case, and being aware that Plan B might be your only option – but feeling like you are in control and you have made that decision, not the health care professionals!

Of course the last 2 years have been terrible – we’ve really had our ups and downs, as have friends and family.  But we are ending 2016 on a high – we have moved into our dream house and working hard on making it our home!  We have a massive support network and cannot be thankful enough for that.  We have our health (sort of) and we’re both as happy together as the day we met (I’m sure if you ask me when Scott’s had a night out and staggered in late, the answer would be much different)!

Last year I couldn’t see past the fog of negativity.  It was a blur!  I don’t like being negative, it’s consuming!  It eats you up!  I also hate being angry – anger and negativity at the same time – god I’m a mess!!!  But this year I end it feeling hopeful and grateful for what I do have.

It’s taken me a long time to stop giving negativity attention.  There’s the “why is she pregnant and I’m not” thoughts that occurred on a daily basis – on seeing pregnant women smoking, drinking, not caring about their precious cargo!  I’d always think “I wouldn’t be like that so why can’t I have what they have?”.  Life isn’t fair but wallowing in the negativity doesn’t help – it doesn’t heal!  I try not to judge either.  What if the pregnant teenager walking past, dealing with the stares and tuts of strangers, doesn’t have any other family apart from this baby – she doesn’t have the option of love and support from her family, she might be going it alone!  We’re too easy to judge if it makes us feel better about ourselves and our lives.

Going through miscarriages changes peoples view of you.  People are more sensitive, or insensitive at times.  People try to avoid baby talk, or over compensate.  It changes your views of people too.  It makes you more sensitive, more tuned in to what people are saying.  It makes you re-evaluate people – you see their hidden grief come up to the surface and you view them in a completely different way when you discover you have this “secret” in common.  I’ve learned not to judge people before knowing the full story – their story – or knowing what they are like personally rather than listening to the views of others (I learned this the hard way in work, I can tell you it was a real eye opener and reduced me to tears)!

We all talk about making resolutions – thinking we will make ourselves better people.  Last year I saw a post about making a Good Memories jar.  Any time anything good happens to you, you write it down, pop it in the jar and open it at the end of the year and read them.  Bad events stick like glue but it’s easy to forget the good things.  I try to think back but it’s hard remembering all the good things – the new job, new puss cat (yep, I’m working on being a cat lady but the hubby won’t allow number 3) nice holiday, new home…the large things I can remember but the small things I can’t!  I wish I’d started my jar to look back and smile through the tears! Perhaps next year…..and perhaps I can put the “had baby” note in there!  Perhaps my blog will be my memories jar.

So to all my wonderful friends, family, kind strangers and fellow bloggers on this journey, wishing you all the very best for 2017.  May your year be filled with happiness, health and good memories!  For all you couples facing your uphill struggles, grasp them by the testicles and we can battle on through it together (please could you all remind me of this the next time I’m having one of my meltdowns on here)!  You are all wonderful and there are great things in store for you all!

Much love xxx

Birthday

Today my first baby should have been 1. Well today or any time in the next fortnight.  We should be knee deep in shite plastic toys, birthday cake and party bags. But we’re not. We’re knee deep in plaster and building supplies, a welcome distraction. Oh and I treated myself to a new bag, a little gift to myself for getting through it – my being brave treat.

This time last year was unbearable. I didn’t want to see Christmas. To have the reminder of the gift we weren’t to have. I spent December in a haze of tears and felt completely lost. Pregnancies were announced, babies were being born, but I couldn’t get out of my dark place. At that point I’d suffered two miscarriages and 2015 had turned out to be a terrible year in the main. I couldn’t focus on anything but the negatives. By Christmas, I wanted to lock myself away and forget about it all. I went through the formalities of Christmas and yes, I did enjoy some family time but I felt overwhelming grief and guilt. Guilt for trying to enjoy myself, for trying to be normal. I hated the way it made me feel. I blamed myself at times. When I found out I was pregnant and realised it would be a Christmas baby I joked that I wouldn’t wish that on anyone (I warn you, it’s shite being a Christmas baby).  I felt like I’d jinxed it when I had the miscarriage. I would give anything for a Christmas baby now!

So fast forwards 12 months and although we’re no further on, and have gone through it all again, surprisingly I now feel much more in control of things. I’m in control of my emotions. I can (mostly) talk about it without crying. I’m in control of the process we’re going through and know what is required at each step. It feels like we’re in a better place in most aspects of our lives.

I’m a much stronger person than I was then. I still have my complete meltdowns, it’s inevitable, but I can see the future with a nipper and focussing on that gets us through it. Having support of all my lovely friends and family, who allow me my meltdown moments helps massively.  Reading about others, friends and strangers, going through similar and coming out of it the other side with squidgy bundles brings great comfort. Blogging helps. Getting it all out there, no longer hiding it and bearing my soul helps. Because I know it helps others.  Just today I’ve had lovely comments about my blog off two different people.  Apparently I’ll get published one day…..god could you imagine, people paying to ready my ramblings!

I never wanted to go for counselling. I’ve done it before and I know it helps but I didn’t want to sit and talk to someone who didn’t know personally what we’d been through. If they’d not experienced it, how could they begin to understand what we were going through. So getting it all down on paper aids the healing process for me.

I read a blog recently where the lady said she was asked what she had gained from her miscarriages. I’ve thought a lot about this recently. Our experiences over the last 2 years have made our marriage stronger. We’d never argued, we’ve never had a real test on our marriage, but this is our test. And we’ve got through it. We’re stronger than ever and feel like we’re in a good place. We have a lot to be thankful for and can’t lose sight of that. One day we will have everything we want and that’s when we’ll know it’s been worth all the heartache.

So this year, we’re spending Christmas with both our families in our new home. And I can’t wait. We got our new start when we moved so I’m ready to grab the new year by the testicles and look forwards with positivity. 2017 will be the year of the Burke’s!

Hormones

Every woman is hormonal in their life, every man knows this (my poor hubby does at the moment). It’s standard being a woman! You expect it, you know at some times of the month you will be a moody cow and turn into a banshee but after a miscarriage, those hormones, and extremes of hormones, multiply tenfold!

But that’s how this past week has been. I’ve spent days being so angry I worry I could hurt someone. There’s been fits of tears, not through sadness but through the rage you feel. Then the next minute I’ll be laughing and joking.

Today alone I’ve cried three times…..I cried this morning at the sheer frustration of not knowing why I was being such a hormonal arsehole. I cried when talking about my lovely cat Frank who was put to sleep in June (I thought I’d got past that now….). I’m crying now watching “This Time Next Year”. I cannot control myself and I hate it.

When you have a miscarriage you are told “your next period will be heavier, you might have more pain” but no-one mentions hormones.  I’m like a mad woman possessed all the time.  Cross, angry, sad, everything.  I feel I need to just give my bloody head a wobble.  Poor Scott bears the brunt of it but is a complete star, saying the right thing and lifting my mood!

Of course I can blame the hormones but at the back of my mind, I know it’s time of year related.  December is one of my “urgh” months.  My first baby would be 1 this month.  That never goes from your mind.  I would have just had my second scan on my recent pregnancy and would probably be arguing with Scott about whether to find out the sex (of course I would blame the hormones).  Babies are everywhere at the moment.  New babies, new pregnancies, baby showers…you can never escape it but you need to find a way to get on with everything and not let it consume you. It’s hard, of course it is! I try but of course, like everyone, you have your down days.  It’s just this time of year they seem more frequent.

Looking forwards though I’ve got my appointment through for “fanny cam”.  9th January 2017.  I’m told the appointment may take up to 3 hours (I guess that’s if I need the bacon trimming) and I need to take a wee sample (although they’ve not provided a sample bottle – might take it in a Tupperware tub).

This is our new start and step in the right direction. Next year will be our baby year!